Jokes of the Inside Variety- 1.03 & 1.04

Great weaknesses. 

Supahman has kryptonite, brenna deegan has turkey sandwiches, and I have inside jokes.  

I can't fucking help it. 

If you don't understand or care for these next two, forgive me, i genuinely can't help myself. But also exalt me, because I've packaged them together so that your suffering might only last this one week.

Ofcourse, if these don't quite hit ur hot spot, and you're in the mood for some comedy that's a little more mainstream, you're always welcome to watch Americas Funniest Home Videos and OMG LOL when little sarah's dad holds up the piniata for her and she... wait for it...

.... wait for it...

 ACCIDENTALLY HITS HIM IN THE BALLS!!! LOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOL. 

Well.. Here we go.

1.03-

1.04- 

I want to give the most sincere R.I.P. to poor Eddie Griffin, a pioneer. I don't think any person, professional or private, will ever match the time you ran into a parked car without a license, while driving drunk and beating off to porn in your escalade, and then offer the owner of the other car a free car to keep the story quiet. It is my single most favorite Minnesota Timberwolves memory. <3<3<3

I appreciate a fine body regardless of make

Turns out my iphoto library (3000 or so pictures) has been corrupted. I suspect it was the UTTERLY INEPT jean engebretson pulling out the harddrive like a neanderthal without ejecting it first. There are currently FOUR pictures in my "iPhoto Library recovered photos". Silver lining is that one of them was a really cool shit I had taken. 

As a result of this tragedy, all of my comics are temporarily gone :( I can re-capture them with my cam or scan them at some point, but that involves work that I'm not particularly partial to at the moment :/ Lord knows high scores on "Falling balls" won't acquire themselves. 39 in the world bitches. 

In return for your patience I offer you a Vin Diesel work created by a person who is not me, A short clip by Vin Diesel that will no doubt open your eyes to why you may not be getting that ever mystical veegadge, and finally, I hereby promise that next Tuesday's entry will include 2 original works by myself. Now.. if that doesn't wet your appetites, among other things two-fold, I don't know what will. 

And finally, a scene from Vin Diesel's "Strays".



I kinda wanna try this on 100 girls, and document my success rate. Maybe also do this with the whisper song, and see which, if any, achieves more nani of the poon. If either attracted more than 5 out of 100, my understanding of how this world works would be in dire need of reconstruction. 

A scholarly review & 1.02

Before we get to today’s comic, I’d like to start diggin into these niggaz chests, Quick, let me see the binoculars nigga. Let me see the binoculars...

**

For those unaware, Vin Diesel’s glorious & deserved return to prominence came this last weekend in the form of the feature length film “Fast & Furious”.

Or so it should have. Unfortunately, it’s come to my attention that “Fast & Furious” received only 23% on Rottentomatoes.com (which, as we should know, tracks all the major movie reviews across the country.) The complaints were, as expected, shallow and stupid. “unintelligent”, “terrible plot”, “no time spent on the screen writing” are just a few of the repeated offenses with which ‘Fast & Furious’ was so unfairly and unethically accused of.

Pissed off yet?

Yah. Me too.

Thank god in heaven, though, that in mans darkest hour, a hero hath emerged.
The words of one brave reviewer, stand as a beacon of undeniable truth, with which we might rest our anger worn souls against. In this reviewer's FRESH RATING, she points out, “It’s not called “Fast & Furious: Schindler’s List”. Perfect reboot if you like the genre.”

A-fucken-men.

And so I ask.. what ever happened to fucking integrity? Why do these reviewers still have jobs. I’m too lazy to look up Schindler’s list, but who wants to bet that no one ever graded Schindler’s list down for not having cool enough action scenes? So why do they get to grade Vin Diesel’s gem poorly simply because it’s not very intelligent. Why is intelligence or the “make you think” quality so over-fuckin-emphasized. Have you ever gotten a blow job, and been like “man I hate this blow job I’m getting right now. It would be way better if he was mentally stimulating me while he does this.” No, no you haven’t. Because it’s perfectly okay to celebrate good feeling in its simplest form. And yet Fast & Furious got just 23%... TWENTY THREE PERCENT. I bet if you churned out some artsy fartsy indie shitbag with some ambiguously gey guy videotaping trash on the sidewalk, jacking off ‘living for the moment’ in a 45 min. monologue with the camera tilted at an angle to elicit further feelings of him against the world, the critics would cheer, “Yes! Live for the moment. Life is beautiful! Brilliant!”. But do they not understand that over-celebrating “think movies” is not ‘live for the moment’. They’re just celebrating the THOUGHT of living for the moment. People who enjoyed and rated Fast & Furious well actually DO live for the moment. VIN DIESAL JUST POPPED A WHEELY WITH HIS CAR. FUCKKK YAHH!!! And sure, live for the moment implies a certain immaturity, but im gonna ride this ticket to fast cars and faster women while Johnny movie critic mcgenius sits in his basement complaining about movie plot lines, so who’s the ultimate winner there?

So This is my final call to the world. Quit being so god damned cerebral. Can you think of a funner thing than eating a chicken sandwhich tonight and banging a hot chick? Or would you rather sit down and read essays on relativity? How do we finish 16 years of wanting to get the fuck out of school, and then demand that everything be more cerebral? Is that any different or less pathetic than a battered prosti who repeatedly goes back to her abuser?

How about you try sitting down and enjoying something for what it is. Watch Vin Diesel slow-mo drive under a rolling, bouncing, exploding tank.. Watch Vin diesel kill the bad guy and with grizzly demeanor call him a pussy… Watch Vin diesel lower an engine from out of nowhere onto a man’s head during physical combat. And say what your fuckin feeling. FUCK YAH!! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

If you walked into your house, and someone was sitting at your kitchen table berating an Orange for not being an apple, would you not immediately spit on that person and kick their chair out from underneath them for being so fuckin stupid? I know I would. So why do we continue to let these movie raters poison the general public with these bullshit fuckin reviews. Why do we let them shamelessly and unethically cripple a man’s career, especially one as bright and promising as Vin Diesels. Think about the repercussions of these irresponsible ratings. How many couples on their first or second date, chose a different movie on account of Fast & Furious’s poor reviews, only to find themselves searching for conversation following their new choice, because it just didn’t connect with them. Now imagine that, had they experienced the jaw-dropping adrenaline rush of sweetfuckery that is Fast & Furious, they would have had a heck of a lot more to say to each other after the movie, and in turn opened up to each other quickly. And maybe that interest turns in to late night phone calls.

And maybe those late night phone calls turn into a second date..

and maybe that date turns into lust…

And maybe that lust turns into Love.

And now you’re starting to see how misinformation can poison the very foundation of our existence. What if you or I didn’t exist, simply because some doushbag 30 years ago was too unprofessional to properly rate a movie, and on account of my dad not getting to see a man flip a car with his bare hands, he wasn’t pumped up enough to bang my mom that night. Just think about that for a god damned second.

And maybe that right there is deeper, and more rewarding than any lesson schindlers list could ever offer.

booyah muthafuckas

**

Here's comic DUECE. It's pretty sloppy. I don't care though. 4th frame is a wash. too lazy to cut it and reallign the rest.  For those who have already snuck an extended peak at my book of pussy wettener (my small notepad of comics), fear not. In time, new comics will emerge, and thus, the satisfaction that your mundane and fruitless lives have not yet afforded, might well be achieved.

Intro & 1.01

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